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The Scorched Earth Breakup Guide

Introduction:

Ladies and Gentlemen,

We all know that breakups can be difficult, but not anymore! Now you can use the "Scorched Earth" breakup guide for effective breaking-up, right now, for free!

All the best - and remember Love is War and that "Hope is the Beginning of Despair"

Brody Berg

The Audience for the Scorched Earth Breakup Guide:

This is for the person who was in a short or long-term (unmarried) relationship (no children) and is looking for ways to optimize a breakup. It should not be used to avoid or break the law.

Tenets of the Scorched Earth Breakup Guide:

  • There are 6 billion other people that are worth infinitely more of your time than your ex
  • The distinction between who did the relationship ending is irrelevant, the instant certain words are spoken the relationship is over and there is no going back - meaning that both people are equally committed to finishing things off.
  • Also:
    • An ex that wants to remain friends is only doing so until he/she can glee from perceiving that you have properly owned up to his/her belief that you wronged him/her - or to get laid
    • Or any girl/guy who wants to remain friends is only doing so to continue to waste your time through mutual co-dependance - or to get laid

The Three Rules of the Scorched Earth Breakup Guide:

  1. The Fundamental Rule: Under no circumstances shall you ever, ever go back with your ex.
    • If that is the case, then the following steps are logically no problem
    • Remember: the breakup is real, and it means something specific: whatever it was about this relationship, it wasn't meant to live - so kill it.
  2. The Obliteration Doctrine: All communication with the ex following the breakup shall be without emotion, passion, or personal information.
    • There's nothing to debate, so don't argue
      • Additionally: there's no need to justify yourself, no ex has standing to demand justification
    • There's no future, so don't invest
    • There's no past, you are burning it down
    • All they need to know is enough for appropriate clean up of various property that might be left over from the breakup
  3. The Interpersonal Lemma: Friends are expendable
    • Your ex's friends, unless they tatoo your name on their arm or something, are your ex's friends no matter what they say (don't argue, you know I am right)
    • and guess what: they stood by while the whole relationship fell onto the floor anyway, so who needs em?
    • The only thing that will redeem one of your ex's friends is adherence to the Obliteration Doctrine (avoidance of mention of the ex) and continued, true efforts to connect as a friend in this new, post relationship world.

Tips for Achieving the Three Rules:

Build the Interpersonal Wall:

  • No more phone calls/text/email/e-cards/lovingly hand-written letters/notes
    • Including with/from their family
  • Don't live in the same place
  • End any friendships where the other person refuses to honor a polite and clear request to not mention your ex
  • Totally change your routine
    • Wake up and go to sleep at different times
    • Change where/when/how you exercise
    • Change classes
    • Change your commute
    • Switch from tea to delicious espresso
    • Get a haircut that scares you in a good way
    • Switch to a new grocery store
  • Money: Any money that was left on the table, leave it. Move on.

Build the Technological Wall:

  • Block (I mean utterly block, not just ignore) your ex on every possible online service you can think of:
    • Facebook
    • Myspace
    • Flickr
    • AIM/GChat/MSN/Skype/ICQ
    • Remove a link to their blog/site/facebook page from your blog/site/facebook page
    • Next time: Avoid any overtly romantic social network based gestures
  • Block any mutual online friends who mention or post photos of your ex
    • Next time: just don't friend these people in the first place
  • Remove any and all photos of your ex from your social networking presences